Family and Solitude

In my family, more often in men than the women, there is a need for solitude.  At 53, I am just starting to see the trend and examine it.

I think I first noticed it with my oldest cousin. When family would gather, he almost never came - even as a child. I never knew why this was or was aware of any clues to the reasoning. It was as if he was happier alone.  As a child, that seemed like such an odd thing.  

Then, as we got older, I saw it in my closest cousin. He was perfectly happy fishing alone all day or walking his dog for a long, 50 mile walk.  With him, there were some clues.  He had just gone through a tumultuous time in his life.   I find it is those times that we learn a lot about ourselves.  I believe it was during this time that he discovered the comfort in solitude. I still didn't have any hints as to what about him made this so. Why did he need to be alone?

Fast forward to just a month ago with the event that would start my observation in earnest: a conversation with my dad.

Me: Daddy, you turn 80 this year. What are we gonna do? We want to throw you a party.

Dad: Well, I don't know why you wanna do that, I'll be in the woods hunting.

This caused us to both laugh. It was funny but it was also true.  My dad loves to hunt. He loves to be out in the woods. He goes out to his hunt area all through the summer to clean up, sling blade trails, etc.  I fully expect my dad to pass in the woods - and wouldn't that be fitting for a man that loved the solace it so generously provided him over the years.

My sister recently made an observation about our dad that really began to crack the code of why this solitude is needed.  "Daddy acts tough but he guards his heart. He owned a dog once as a child and when that dog died, it hurt so badly that he never owned another. He even went out of his way to take on the persona of someone that hates dogs. He just cannot allow people to see his tender heart."

I have been struggling a lot lately with trying to visit family and friends more. I love seeing them. I love being with them SO MUCH but I have become aware that every time we part ways, I grieve. I grieve because no matter who they are, no matter their age, or health - in my mind, I am saying goodbye for what is potentially the last time and it hurts my soul and it makes it hard for me to plan for us to be together again. Further, it is embarrassing - at least to people raised to be tough, show grit, etc. so you just don't discuss it.   I wonder if this is the reason for our other family members.

I have started wondering if it is this sort of perceived impermanence of those we love that makes it hard for us to plan time for us to be together. I don't think it is the only reason but I do wonder if it is the root cause of the sort of "aloneness" that it seems like is needed by so many of us.