Integrative Relationships

I have turned to growing my meditation practice during the pandemic.  This has been good for me but it has also shined a light into a few dark places for me.  I began to ponder how connected I am to the world.  On the surface, I feel pretty connected.  As I delved deeper into this idea, I realized that I was sort of living a lie.  The main vendor selling me this lie was my phone.  I know I have written about the phone and my distaste for them before but I feel like those writings were from outward observation - me seeing how it affected others and how they seemed so distant and unavailable and selfishly - how it affected me.  This is no such writing.  

I am worried.  I was told that an adequately connected person would have 5 people they could call and they would come no matter what.  I asked myself who my 5 were and I was able to list 1 that would certainly drop everything to come to me in a time of need and 2 others that I initially named but upon thinking more deeply, could not be certain.  Thoughts such as 'John would be one, well, you know, he is really busy with x maybe he wouldn't.' filled my head.

I was a shy kid but by my senior year in high school, I had gotten over that and had many friends and family that I believe would have arrived at my request in an instant.  I carried this ability to connect with others into my 30s.  I used this ability to genuinely connect with others to make the pain of a failed marriage tolerable and even fun.  Now, I know that as we get older we become less social.  This is particularly true in men and is linked to a higher rate of suicide in aging men but I am just entering my fifties(52) and should not be so disconnected.  

Why have I become so disconnected with people? Why do I not have many quality connections with people these days?

I have meditated on this many times and it seems that my difficulties started with commercial social media and even more so with the emergence of the smartphone into my daily life.  The timing is right and as I consider the changes in my behavior, it coincides with the rise of the smartphone.  We know that the phone is designed to 'make us look'.  After all, they want eyes on ads. It wants our attention and being that it is always in close proximity to us and that it blends somewhat useful things like email, text, to-do lists and a camera with harmful things such as social media, games, YouTube, TikTok, etc, it all but guarantees that it gets our attention and keeps it. It is a cheap dopamine hit which, as primates, we want.

I am tired of living so much of my life in a virtual rectangle.  I want to spend more time making real, quality connections with people.  This was becoming difficult enough before Covid and is even more difficult now that it is here and persisting.  I will figure it out though.  

I think that first, I have to understand that the phone is in my life now and isn't going away.  Understanding this is key to a successful strategy to pulling my life out of it and placing it in the tangible present.  

Next, I need to determine which apps and websites I need and which apps and websites are just places I go to escape the real world.  I obviously need the direct communication features such as text, email from work, family and friends. I also have some useful utilities such as my meditation app, Rocketbook app, and my camera.  A few pleasure apps such as Spotify for music and podcasts, Chirp for audiobooks and the various health tracking utilities on my iPhone.

The third step is to figure out which notifications are absolutely necessary for both the phone and my watch.  I believe I need notification of texts, emails, and phone calls from family, friends and coworkers.  I would say that breaking news is important but the bar has been lowered so much on what is considered breaking news that I believe I will have to leave this off.  

Lastly(for now), I need to figure out how to separate myself from the easy fix of picking up my phone when I am bored or lonely.  I think it the begining, I will need to physically separate from it except for the times I set aside for using it.  I am going to try to start limiting myself to checking the news once a day.  I will only scroll reddit, TikTok, and Youtube from the bathroom(modern magazine style).  

I know there is more to making real connections and 'cultivating my 5' but first I have to break my ties with the device that makes me feel busy and satiates my need for dopamine.

There will definitely be more to come on this subject as I figure out how to re-enter the real world. I hope to be present and accepting in the moment and to forge genuine connections with friends and family.  

Join or follow if you like. Let us see where this leads.